Couple's cycle of heartbreak

Apr 26 2004 David Williamson, The Western Mail

A CHILDLESS couple spoke yesterday of their two-year anguish as they continue an increasingly desperate search for a surrogate mother.

Emmanuel and Amanda Blaevoet, from Aberbargoed, have been waiting for two years to find a woman who will carry a son or daughter for them.

So far, no-one has come forward, but Emmanuel, 35, will dedicate five days next month to a voluntary organisation linking possible surrogate mothers with aspiring parents.

He will cycle from Holyhead to Newport in support of Cots (Childlessness Overcome Through Surrogacy).

The couple first learned about surrogacy by visiting internet sites, and now believe it is their best hope for them to be able to raise a child together.

Yet surrogacy has not yet become part of mainstream British culture, and it is still illegal to advertise for someone to carry the child through to birth. Payment beyond "reasonable expenses" is banned, and the pair are waiting to find a woman willing to go through the emotional and physical strain of childbirth just to let them know the joy of family.

Yesterday in Cardiff, Emmanuel - originally from Brittany - spoke of his admiration for the women who are prepared to make this scale of sacrifice.

He said, "Something which still amazes me now - to be a surrogate mother, it really takes a really, really special woman doing that for a couple you don't know at first...

"I mean, it's hard to believe that people can be that generous and altruistic."

Amanda, 47, said they appreciated how demanding the surrogacy process could be.

"I know because I can't have a baby, watching somebody have a baby on my behalf could be very traumatic," she said. If a woman does agree to carry a child for them, the baby will be immediately passed over to them before the biological mother and the infant can bond.

In such intensely personal circumstances, it is essential that the surrogate mother and the intended parents have the best possible relationship.

"You have got to get on with them," she said.

"You probably won't end up being lifelong friends, but you have got to have 100% mutual trust."

Agencies which vet parents wanting to have a child prefer surrogate mothers to be in stable relationships with children of their own - this helps make it less painful for the birth mother to watch the baby being taken away.

"On her side, you need a supportive family," Amanda said. "Their parents and kids and cousins need to be behind it as well.

"My family have their concerns. You are letting yourself in for a financial commitment and a 'commitment' commitment.

"To be truthful, my family would support whatever we decided."

Emmanuel and Amanda are convinced the demands on their time, money and emotions will be ultimately worthwhile. She said, "It's not just a baby... I would like to bring somebody up and instil my values, I suppose."

She dreams of having a daughter but would be delighted with a child of either sex. Emmanuel is energised by the concept of fatherhood.

"Boy or girl, if it happens, I don't mind," he said.

Both of them have been surprised at the lack of opposition they have encountered to the concept of surrogacy.

Emmanuel said, "I've only met one person who said, 'No, sorry. I don't believe in it.'"

But, "There's a huge gap between someone who's interested and somebody who's willing to do it."

Anyone wishing to contact Emmanuel and Amanda can do so by emailing emgblaevoet@hotmail.com