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This book is a moving real-life account of one woman's struggle with infertility and her journey through surrogacy to have the family she desperately wanted.

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It's dinnertime at the Barton household and Madilyn's turn to say grace. Holding her parents' hands, the 5-year-old races through the blessing: "God-is-great-God-is-good-Let-us-thank-him-for-our-food," she says breathlessly.

"Whoa, Madilyn, not so fast," her Papa admonishes gently. "Please do it again."

Twin sister Marilyn giggles as Madilyn recites the prayer again, this time slowly. This time, both Papa and Daddy smile approvingly.

Night after night in their two-story Orlando home, Craig and Don Barton and their adopted daughters follow a routine familiar to millions of families. As a gay couple, Craig, known as "Papa" to his girls, and Don, the man they call "Daddy," may not be apple-pie traditional, but, like most committed parents, their daily lives center on their children.
 

The Bartons are part of the "gayby boom," an explosion in the number of gays and lesbians who, at peace with themselves and their place in society, are choosing parenthood through adoption or reproductive technology.

"There was a sizable boom in the 1990s, but today it's a groundswell," said April Martin, author of The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook. "There is a seismic shift in the number of gays and lesbians who feel parenting is a real option."

Ninefold rise since 1990

No one knows how many gays are parents, but nearly 168,000 same-sex couples throughout the nation reported children at home during the 2000 census. That's more than a ninefold increase over the 1990 census. In Florida, where nearly 10,000 same-sex couples reported children at home in 2000, the numbers could escalate if a federal court strikes down the state law forbidding gays from adopting children. A ruling is expected soon.

Living in the suburban Miami neighborhood of Kendall, Stephanie Woolley and Mary Larrea already typify the trend.

Accepted by their families and friends, Woolley, 30, a teacher, and Larrea, 43, a juvenile-court administrator, entered adulthood comfortable with their sexuality. When they met six years ago, they fell in love and settled down, buying a house and pledging to build a life together. Their triplets, born last year with an anonymous donor's sperm, made their family whole.

"When I was young, I didn't know whether to fake it so I could have kids or live the life I wanted," said Woolley, now a stay-at-home mom. "When I realized having children and being gay weren't mutually exclusive, a huge burden lifted."

Gays and lesbians have always had children, but their offspring were usually products of marriages in which dad or mom hid or denied his or her sexual orientation. When divorce splintered the family, the secret spilled out.

Skirting Florida's ban

Gays still have children in marriage, but more are starting families of their own, with partners or as single parents. Like the Bartons, who are raising an Ohio relative's twins, many adopt. Even in Florida, they find ways around the state ban, either by going out of state, overseas or, in some cases, lying.

But untold numbers are following the Woolley-Larrea path and bearing children with the same reproductive medical technology that infertile straight couples use: sperm or egg donation, in vitro fertilization and surrogacy.

As a result, same-sex couples are creating some interesting family trees, refocusing the fight for gay rights and redefining the concept of family in much the way divorce, stepparents and half-siblings have.

 

In South Florida, three male couples and one single gay man have become fathers with the help of women -- in one case, a partner's sister -- who served as surrogate mothers. Among them, the men have nine children, including a set of triplets and two sets of twins. Multiple births are common because, to ensure viability, surrogates usually carry more than one embryo.

70 families in local group
 

In Central Florida, 70 families have joined the Orlando Gay Parents Group since its founding last year. Among them, they have nearly 100 children, the majority younger than 5. Most of the parents are lesbian couples. Many conceived by artificial insemination using sperm banks and anonymous donors. Several turned to their partner's brother to help bring their children into the world.

"We're not dykes on bikes or men in drag," said Lisa Gray, 42, a former tax auditor who founded the group so daughter Cori could meet other families like hers. "We go to story time at the library and worry about all the same food groups."

Still, many opponents condemn two-mom or two-dad families as immoral and unethical. They believe homosexuality and parenting are inherently incompatible, placing children of gay parents at great risk.

"It's not the technology that's the problem. It's the household," said Peter Sprigg, director of marriage-and-family studies at the Family Research Council, an organization dedicated to preserving the traditional family. "Homosexual activists like to say love makes a family, but children need a mother and father. Each contributes an understanding of what it means to be a man and a woman, a husband and wife. Without those role models, children suffer."

Studies flawed, foes say

Opponents also discredit decades of research showing that children with gay parents are not markedly different or disadvantaged. They call the studies flawed and biased by a pro-gay agenda.

"There is no study in existence that uses randomly selected subjects on a broad enough basis to have any statistical validity," said Mathew Staver, president of the Liberty Counsel, a legal organization that also defends the traditional family.

He and Sprigg also cite a litany of studies showing that, by its very nature, the "homosexual lifestyle" increases the chances children will be exposed to domestic violence, substance abuse, mental illness, disease and promiscuity.

The Bartons, both 42, are amused by the assumptions about their lifestyle. Craig, an account sales manager and Don, an accountant who stays home with the twins, have been partners for 12 years. They own a house together and share the same last name -- Don legally changed his to Craig's.

And though they have different stars in their family constellation, their lives are defined by the mundane: mentoring at the twins' elementary. Fixing dinner. Riding bikes. Swimming in the pool. Going to church. Watching Toy Story 2 for the umpteenth time.

"Today, the majority of our friends are straight," Craig said. "And most are parents because that's who we have the most in common with."

Number stays uncertain

Just how many gays are choosing parenthood is a subject of debate, but the 2000 census tracked a surge during the past decade, particularly among gay men. In 1990, only 5 percent of male partners living together reported children younger than 18 in their homes, compared with 22 percent of female couples.

By 2000, 22 percent of male couples and 34 percent of female couples reported children at home. In all, 167,752 of nearly 600,000 same-sex partners reported children younger than 18 at home.

Though the U.S. Census Bureau discourages comparisons between 1990 and 2000, saying the numbers were collected differently, many gay-rights organizations and researchers think both counts missed many gay parents. Neither survey counted single gay parents, and many gays likely remain reluctant to identify themselves.

In what may be one of the most comprehensive studies, Witeck-Combs Communications, a firm that helps corporations market to the gay community, estimates that 3 million children are living in 2 million gay households in America today.

While medical advances play a role, social scientists and gay activists attribute the boom to growing acceptance of homosexuality, fueled by social and legal changes. During the summer, for example, the U.S. Supreme Court reversed a 17-year-old decision and decriminalized sexual intimacy between consenting same-sex adults.

Sodomy ruling boosts fight

Now, that watershed ruling is galvanizing the fight for legal recognition of same-sex unions. It's also fueling hope that the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals will strike down Florida's ban on gay adoptions.

Yet, just 30 years ago, when the American Psychiatric Association deleted homosexuality from its roster of mental disorders, gay people were treated as outcasts. Many resigned themselves to lives of isolation and despair. They didn't dare have children, and, if they did, judges were apt to take them away.

"If you recognized that you were gay, you had to accept that put you in outlaw status," said Martin, a New York psychologist who has two children with her life partner. "You were shut out of so many of the joys and benefits of society, and making a family was one of them."

But as gay people who had children in wedlock fought for custody when their marriages dissolved, attitudes and laws began to change.

"In the late '70s and early '80s, courts started saying, 'If you're the better parent, that's the end of the inquiry,' " said Matt Coles, director of the Lesbian & Gay Rights Project at the American Civil Liberties Union. "In my generation, having kids was off the table. For gays growing up today, it's a decision."

Joys and fears

Still, for many gay parents, the joys of parenthood are tempered by fear, especially in states such as Florida. Almost half the states have laws or courts that permit second-parent adoptions, allowing the nonbiological or nonadoptive parent in same-sex partnerships to adopt children for whom both parties share responsibility.

But Florida doesn't recognize second-parent adoptions, leaving parents such as Don Barton to devise "escape plans" in case misfortune strikes. Because Craig Barton adopted his relative's twins alone, Don has no legal relationship to the girls who call him Daddy. To enroll them in kindergarten or take them to the emergency room, he has Craig's power of attorney.

"I'm the stay-at-home parent, but if Craig dies, I'm nobody," said Don, who keeps his "escape plan" secret even from his own family. "What I'd like to do is take my kids before the Florida Legislature so they can say, 'I recognize my parents. Why can't you?' "

Lisa and Corina Gray hope they've resolved their parental quandary by asking Corina's brother to donate sperm for the baby girl Lisa conceived through artificial insemination. The Grays -- Lisa also changed her last name to her partner's -- wanted their daughter to know her father, and he's involved in the 3-year-old's life. Though Cori calls him Daddy, he fulfills the role of uncle.

But the arrangement has another benefit. Should Lisa become incapacitated or should she and Corina split up, Corina's brother could exert his parental rights, protecting his sister's relationship with the little girl who calls her Mommy.

"Can you imagine how Corina would feel if I died in a car accident and my parents stepped in and took our child?" Lisa said. "My parents wouldn't do that, but others would."

Cost poses hurdle

Gays also encounter obstacles bearing children. Adoption, surrogacy or in vitro fertilization can be prohibitively expensive. Finding physicians or fertility clinics willing to help can be just as daunting.

Gathered for playtime at Cypress Grove Park recently, members of Orlando's gay-parents group recounted the humiliation of calling local doctors for artificial-insemination consultations. One woman said she was told to call back when she had a husband. Another said she was told she needed a psychological exam. Both found help elsewhere.

The journey that brought twin girls into Jerome Baker's life cost $85,000 and spanned five years, much of it spent on the telephone, hunting clinics and surrogates in 15 states. A longtime volunteer with Greater Miami's Big Brothers Big Sisters program, Baker, 37, yearned to adopt. The former Miami ad executive knew fellow gays who had by hiding the truth, but he didn't want to build his family on a lie. So he turned to surrogacy.

He eventually found a Colorado agency that matched him with a Texas woman who believed in sharing the gift of children. With donor eggs and Baker's sperm, Virginia Phillips gave birth to Baker's daughters, Jasmine and Jolie, two years ago.

Today, like many gay parents, Baker, who recently moved near Washington, D.C., encounters another problem gay families face every day: When and to whom to come out.

It is, after all, impossible for Baker's family or the Bartons or the Woolley-Larreas to conceal their differences. Babies always elicit attention, but when they're twins or triplets, they're a major attraction. So are their same-sex parents. Waitresses, cashiers, even complete strangers innocently ask: "So, who's the daddy?" "Where's mommy tonight?"

"I have to make a judgment call on every one," Baker said. "Is it OK to tell?"

At age 5, the Barton twins have few qualms answering.

"I don't have a mom. I've got grandmas," Marilyn recently told a classmate. Their fathers are just as frank. They're not ashamed of who they are, or their family.

Welcoming neighbors

The Bartons also are encouraged by their experience. When they moved into the Conway Estates neighborhood three weeks before the twins were born, they didn't know a soul. Then they brought their newborns home, and neighbors welcomed them with baby presents.

Today, the twins often play with neighbor Lisa's 5-year-old son. Sometimes, he'll tell his mom how sad it is that Madilyn and Marilyn don't have a mommy, but his mother has an explanation.

"I tell him how lucky they are to have two daddies who love them so much," Lisa said. "We don't act like Craig and Don and Madilyn and Marilyn are different. They're not. They go to the grocery. They play on weekends. Really, they're just like us."

Yet, in almost the same breath, Lisa asks that her last name be withheld. Although she has no reservations about leaving her children in the Bartons' care, she's afraid "closed-minded people" who disapprove might harm her own family.

Across the street, Don Barton takes a break from pushing Madilyn in the backyard swing and heads to the kitchen to reheat a medley of leftovers for dinner. Calling the twins to set the table, he expresses hope that, as more people meet families like his, the less their differences will matter.

"You know what all this has turned us into?" he said, sweeping his arms in a circle. "The traditional family."

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