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Latest Surrogacy News
Just-Married Gay Couples Ask
What's Wrong
By LISA LEFF
ajc.com
February 28, 2004
.....
Before they were
pronounced ``spouses for life'' on Feb. 13, Doug Okun,
38, and Eric Ethington, 37, already considered
themselves as married as two men could be. The San
Francisco couple had been together eight years since
they met one day over lunch.
Four years ago, they
had an elaborate outdoor commitment ceremony with 100
guests in Napa, exchanging vows they'd written
themselves under a canopy decorated with symbols from
Okun's Jewish upbringing and Ethington's Mormon
background.
It was, Ethington
said, ``probably the most beautiful, wonderful day of my
life.''
Still, reminders that
they were less than husbands in the eyes of society were
everywhere--niggling indignities like being denied
family discounts on car rentals and entrance fees at
national parks, and real worries, such as knowing that
if one died, the other wouldn't get survivor benefits.
The couple's
resentment deepened when, after a two-year, bicoastal
odyssey of fertility clinics and egg donors, a surrogate
mother from West Virginia gave birth on Nov. 7 to their
twins, Elizabeth and Sophia.
Shrugging off their
rights they could stomach--but not the rights of their
children.
``I'd be foolish not
to get married with my girls. There are so many legal
rights and responsibilities that come with it,''
Ethington explained as he cradled a sleeping Sophia at
their home in the city's family-friendly Noe Valley
neighborhood.
With their daughters
strapped to their chests, the men went to City Hall the
day after news broke of the first gay marriages. They
brought along as witnesses two friends who also planned
to wed _ and found themselves in the middle of a joyful
crowd outside the clerk's office.
``It was so amazing to
be there with so many people, people we knew and new
people who were so lovely. The spirit of it and the
intent was so positive,'' said Okun, dancing with
Elizabeth while she fussed in their living room. ``This
was very much an affirmation of us as a family.''
The image of such
clean-cut, proud fathers proved irresistible to the
media, and soon Ethington, who does marketing for Wells
Fargo, and Okun, a financial services consultant, became
the unofficial poster boys for the national debate over
marriage rights for same-sex couples. After seeing their
picture, people from as far as Ireland sent
congratulatory letters and e-mail.
``I would have loved
to have seen a picture like that growing up gay in
Idaho,'' mused Ethington, whose conservative family
struggled with his sexuality. ``It would have let me
know that hey, I can have a happy, fulfilled life like I
always wanted--with a twist.''
Evidence of their
conventional life--and its twists--is everywhere in
their renovated flat. With meatloaf in the oven, they
carry the twins into their home office-turned-nursery,
where a photograph of the woman who carried the girls
through pregnancy stands on a dresser. It was the second
time she served as a surrogate for a gay
couple--generosity so profound that it almost
compensates for all those who object to the life they
now have, Okun said.
``I just don't get why
people care, why people feel so strongly against gay
marriage and recognition of us a couple,'' said Okun.
``We are just a family. We are just living our lives,
raising our kids, living in our community, making our
contribution to society, paying our taxes. We are just a
family like lots of other families.'
....
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