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Latest Surrogacy News
Last-Minute complications
The
Advocate September 23, 2003
As the
anticipated delivery date approaches, our two soon-to-be
fathers face conflicts with their surrogate mother,
insurance companies, and the state of Arizona. Regardless,
Mike and David’s boundless excitement for their impending
parenthood remains unfettered
By Mike Menichiello
With our due date of
October 1 getting closer by the moment, we’ve been going
crazy trying to get everything in place for the big day.
After many phone calls and
a lot of research from our New York home, we had discovered
that our surrogate, Michelle, doesn’t have any health
insurance coverage, which sent us into a complete tailspin.
We spent several days making dozens of phone calls to
insurance companies, only to realize we were searching for
the impossible. No insurance company was going to take on
someone with "a preexisting condition." Or in other words, a
full-blown pregnancy. All expenses, including prenatal care
and labor and delivery, would have to be paid out of pocket,
in cash.
With that settled, it was
onto the next issue: our pre-birth order. In mid July we
found an attorney in California who could draw up the
paperwork to have our names, both David’s and mine, appear
on the birth certificate. California is the only state that
would allow both--it’s a process that takes about a month to
complete and requires a state judge’s signature to make it
official. Everything seemed to be going along a little more
smoothly, and we could finally take a breather and do some
anticipated baby shopping. A stroller, Pack ’N Play, and
several outfits later, we were hit with another bombshell.
"My husband has found a new
job in Arizona," Michelle’s E-mail began, "and we’re going
to be moving there by the end of the month." Our plans to
have the labor and delivery near Lake Tahoe in California
then became much more complicated than we ever imagined. In
Arizona, Michelle would be six hours away from San Diego,
the nearest city in California. If I told you that we were
completely stressed out and totally aggravated, it would be
the understatement of the century.
When I read the E-mail, I
froze. "This can’t be happening," I said to David, "this
just cannot be happening. Everything we’ve planned has now
completely fallen apart."
After talking to our
attorney and reviewing our contract, we realized that there
was very little we could do. We had no choice but to accept
the news and roll with the punches. Our contract didn’t
preclude travel after a certain number of weeks into a
pregnancy, let alone to another state.
"You might have a huge
problem on your hands." our attorney said. "A surrogacy
agreement is completely illegal in the state of Arizona.
What if Michelle has complications and the child has to be
delivered there?"
“Good question,” I said. If
the child was born in Arizona, it could be very difficult to
have my name added to the birth certificate, and I’m the
biological father. David’s name could not be added at all;
instead, he would need to apply for a stepparent adoption,
which is invasive and costly, not to mention time-consuming
At first I was furious.
This was the stuff that my worst nightmares were made of.
Who could I direct my anger toward? It took several days for
me to realize that being angry was useless and that it would
only hinder the progress that we had to make. We have a baby
on the way and dozens of decisions to make. There simply
wasn’t time for anger.
Trying to find a hospital
in San Diego that would accept cash for an uninsured mother
would be our first challenge. Then we would have to find a
new obstetrician and a way to get Michelle from Arizona to
San Diego for the delivery. Finding a hospital wasn’t that
much of a problem, but finding an obstetrician to take on
our case was next to impossible. Any obstetrician who agreed
to take on Michelle’s care would be taking full
responsibility for the birth of a child that he or she knew
nothing about.
Luckily, my friend and
boss, Janine, came up with an answer that would end up
saving us a lot of wasted time and stress: "The solution to
all of this is simple," she said. "Michelle has to go back
to Tahoe, where she originally planned to give birth! Her OB
is there, the hospital and staff know of your situation, and
it’s still in California." With that, we made a phone call
to Michelle, who agreed it was the best possible compromise.
Michelle preregistered at the hospital two weeks later.
We’re flying her back to Tahoe and putting her up in a hotel
one week before the due date.
My mother was concerned by
all these recent problems and wanted to help. "We need to
have a baby shower to celebrate," she said. "Because this is
supposed to be a happy and exciting time for you guys, and
instead, you’re both a stressed-out mess!"
Leave it to Mom to point
out the obvious.
"Your sister and I will
take care of the shower,” Mom said. “Don’t worry about
anything.”
Funny, I thought,
someone else said that to me, oh, about nine months ago, and
look where that got us.
Three weeks later David and
I sat under a huge white tent, wearing the traditional yet
incredibly embarrassing bow hat, surrounded by family and
close friends doing a little celebrating. Mom’s
champagne-with-some-extra-booze-thrown-in-for-good-measure
punch was the biggest hit of the day! I have to admit that
it felt very strange to sit next to David in the midst of a
baby shower being thrown for us. Two men having a baby,
surrounded by family and friends. Who would have ever
thought?
"Isn’t this something?"
David asked.
"Yep," I said, "it really
is."
A few days after the
shower, as David and I were doing a few laundry loads
together in the afternoon, I called Mom to make sure I
shouldn’t add fabric softener to the load of baby clothes
thrown in the mix. With blankets, clothes, cloth diapers,
and towels all around us, we turned to each other and both
started to cry. We’ve been on one hell of a roller-coaster
ride, but we’re still going to be daddies very, very soon.
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